Welcome to my blog. I am Gabriel, a proud Bosconian and Thomasian. You can call me Gabs, Gabby, Gab or whatever you like. I am a Filipino. I love football. I love cooking. I love music and the whole crazy thing. :)
A very dear friend of mine decided to write this letter and I hope that the person she wrote this for gets a chance to read this because it really took her a lot of courage to write this.
Here it goes.
One of the last times we spoke to each other, you told me that you were confused. I asked you why, but you told me it was hard to explain and that you’ll explain it to me some other time. I never got the chance to ask you again and you never got the chance to actually explain. Probably you were confused because of the situation we put ourselves in… But probably you were more confused because of the way I acted or probably because of the way I responded to your actions. I think I need an explanation but I think you need it more than I do.
Just to let you know, I’m not writing this to cause more confusion, neither am I trying to secure things in their proper place. Rather, I’m writing this to let you know my side of the story. The side you always wanted to hear but the side I never really wanted to tell you (but hopefully through this, you’ll find out why).
Let me start by telling you about all the things (that I remember) that (probably) lead to that moment of your confusion.
I will never forget my first memory of you. It was some time in October, 2012. We were in the same room because of a meeting for an organization we were both part of; you were a new member then. As far as I remember, that was our first encounter. I even think that was the first time I actually saw you or knew someone like you existed. I remember how you looked like, how you sat in your chair in an uncomfortable manner probably because you didn’t know 90% of the people in the room… I remember your calm and collected demeanor despite being uncomfortable in your seat. And let me tell you this… That caught my attention. Yes, without even trying, you caught my attention. I don’t know, probably because I found you cute or charming. At that time, little did I know that you’d play an important role in my life (and this letter should be enough proof). You probably don’t remember that but I do. Trust me, how I picture that moment in my head right now is exactly how it was (or maybe it’s just how I want to remember it).
Things were good between us. We were good colleagues, good acquaintances, and good friends though we weren’t really close. Little did I know that somewhere down the line, you would develop this sort of attraction towards me (if I could call it that for lack of a better term) or okay fine, you sort of developed a crush on me (as others would say). And what really surprised me about that was the fact that you were so vocal about it. We would have random text conversations, you telling me that you find me pretty or that you admired me for this or that or for whatever reason there is. I mean… Who does that? Well, YOU DO. I don’t really know how I should feel about it or about you. Rest assured everything was much appreciated.
I never had anyone be that vocal about their “feelings” for me. Some guys would flirt and say sweet things but wouldn’t really make their intentions clear to me. But with you, it’s different. You would even go out of your way to bring me food or buy me a bouquet of flowers (like you did once). You made your intentions clear to me. You didn’t keep me guessing like the others did. Your actions made it very clear that there was something about me that you were very willing to pursue. I don’t even know what you saw in me which made you decide that it was me you wanted to win over and you seemed very determined to do so.
I think that’s what made me scared, scared about the slightest thought of entertaining you and maybe, one day, falling for you. I was scared not because I think you’d hurt me, because trust me, I don’t think you’re the type. I was more afraid of hurting you than getting hurt by you. I was scared not because I don’t trust you, but because I can’t trust myself. I guess I was trying to save you from myself but I still ended up hurting you.
I’m the type of person who is never really sure about anything. I’ve been in situations which I thought I wanted to be in but once I was there, I wanted out. There were guys I thought I liked but when things got a little serious, I did what I do best, I ran away. Yes, I was like a bubble, the type who’d just disappear all of a sudden. I was afraid that if I got in too deep with you, I’d do the same. And you’re not type who deserves to be left hanging. You’re worth so much more than that. Because even after I turned you down, you didn’t change. You still did the things that made me feel special. You still went out of your way to bring me food; you still told me things which made me feel really appreciated. I don’t even understand why you still did things like that for me even if I already hurt you (which I never really intended to do, but I did anyway). You only proved to me how sincere your heart is and how genuine of a person you are. And every time I would see you, you would have that spark in your eyes which told me that you were happy to see me (or so I think). I had nothing left to do but to push you away.
The more you showed me you cared, the more you made me feel important, the more you tried to win me over, the more walls I built. I sheltered myself too much. I sheltered myself from you; I sheltered myself from the possibility of “us”
In fact, you’re good for me. To be honest, you’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you; not even the smallest part of you. And you don’t deserve me. Because you deserve so much more than I can ever give you. You deserve someone who can accept you wholeheartedly. You deserve someone who is sure of what she has when she has you; someone who’s strong enough not to let go of you. You deserve someone who is brave enough to give you a chance to enter her life and make you stay; someone who can trust you with every bit of her soul; someone who can trust herself with your heart because she knows it’s very fragile and it needs to be nurtured and taken care of.
I could have been that girl for you. But I’m just a girl; a girl who is not strong and brave enough; a girl who is not sure of herself; a girl who is not sure of what she wants; a girl who has no clue of her future; a girl who still needs to learn how to take care of herself; a girl who still needs to learn to acknowledge her feelings; a girl who is just starting to find her place in this world. You deserve her, the one who is strong and brave, the one who is sure, the one who may not have a clue of her future but at least she knows where she wants it to go, the one who can take care of herself so she can take care of you, too, the one who can acknowledge every emotion that she feels, and the one who knows that her place in this world might just be with you.
So this is what I really wanted to say for months now: I’m sorry. And I’m sorry it took me this long to say it. I’m sorry for not giving you a chance, I’m sorry for causing you all the confusion, I’m sorry for taking you for granted, I’m sorry for hurting you, and I’m sorry breaking your heart.
I’m sorry for sheltering myself too much. I’m sorry for not giving you the chance to get to know me better. I’m sorry for not letting you in. I’m sorry I only explained this to you now.
Despite all that, I want to thank you. Thank you for bringing me food. Thank you for giving me a bouquet of flowers. Thank you for telling me things that make me feel so special. Thank you for singing to me (though that was a little embarrassing because I didn’t know the people who were watching). I will never be able to listen to that song the same way again, in a good way.
Thank you for choosing me to be the person who you give your attention to. I’m a very lucky girl. Thank you for showing me what it’s like to be appreciated even if I don’t reciprocate. Thank you for doing the things you do. Thank you for trying to break the walls that I built. Thank you for still trying even I told you to stop. Thank you for not changing. But most of all, thank you for remaining in my life even as a friend.
You’ve been good to me; so good to me. I don’t think I could ever repay that. But this is the best I can do, to explain to you my side of the story. To tell you what I always refused to tell you, to share with you a little part of my being. After all, you deserve more than this.
So here I am writing you this letter, at my most vulnerable state. Letting you in where I never let anybody else. This is me trying to let you in so that you can find your way out. And when you do, I hope you find someone more deserving than I will ever be; someone who’s good for you, the best one for you. I know you will. It will not take you too long.
I just wish you all the happiness that you deserve. Don’t ever stop seeking your true happiness.